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Having Your Buttons Pushed Even After Your Divorce is Completed! - By Reena Sommer, Ph.D.A newsletter subscriber asked advice about how to cope with an abusive ex-husband of nine years (post divorce). Her concerns centered on his ability to still be able to push her buttons and her inability to resist his manipulations. This subscriber also revealed that she was a recovering addict which I am sure added to her sense of vulnerability.Here is my response to her question: Before I address the substance of your question, I want to begin by commending you on your work in rehab. It is fairly clear from what you have written, that you have benefited from the therapy you received. I have worked with many clients who have struggled with addictions and the road to recovery is rough. When you add to that, an abusive ex-husband with whom you must continue to interact, it makes it much more difficult. Your ability to maintain a drug free existence suggests that you are strong willed and committed. The challenge for you is to now use these same skills to empower you to cope with your ex-husband. As you know, changing well-ingrained habits and patterns is difficult and it requires vigilance, consistency and strength. If you can imagine your connection and responsiveness to your ex-husband as being as powerful a force as your addiction, then you will know what you are up against. While you do not have the power to alter your ex-husband`s conduct, you do have the power to alter your own. When explaining this principle to my clients, I often use the analogy of a game. This is how I present it to them: Let`s say the two of us are playing a game of checkers. We decide that you are red and I am black. The rules of the game say that we each take turns moving, we move on a diagonal on the black squares. When one of us jumps another`s checker that checker is lost. And so on and so on. Then the next time we play, I say to you, "I don`t` want to move along the black squares, I want to move along the red ones." You respond by saying, "well, that`s not the rules of the game". I then say, "so what!" Now we have a problem. There are two choices: 1) either you give in to me and do things my way, or 2) the game is over. In any event, things change by the actions of one individual. If you extend this example to your own situation, you may find that if you change the rules of the game between you and your ex-husband (i.e., no longer respond to his button pushing), then he is left no choice but to change in response to you. For example, think about the things you can do to prevent your ex-husband`s inappropriate advances to you. Have you considered bringing someone along while you visit with the children? Can you arrange to visit with the children in a setting other than your ex-husband`s home? Consider changing your body language by placing a distance between him and you, changing your posture by standing erect, looking him in the eye etc. All of these things may seem difficult, but with practice and support, they can be accomplished. Second, do not allow yourself to get into arguments with him. Two reasons why people behave negatively toward others are: 1) they get away with it because the other person puts up with it, and 2) they get a rise out of the other person. Here is a very simple strategy that is quite effective in diffusing distasteful confrontations. If a person says something demeaning, a response such as "I am sorry you feel that way", leaves him/her having to either drop the subject or explain why he/she said what he/she did. In any event, after having made this comment, there is no need to say anything further on the matter. It really does work.My best to you. You might want to consider taking an assertiveness training course to assist you in coping with difficult situations. Like anything that requires skill, practice makes perfect. While you consider the changes you have already made in your life and the ones that you will need to make in order to cope with your ex-husband, think about caring for yourself by putting your needs before his. When you come to see yourself as being important and valued, making these changes will seem so much easier. Dr. Reena Sommer is an internationally recognized relationship and divorce consultant and writer. Her website, http://www.reenasommerassociates.mb.ca has extensive divorce-related resources, information products and services. Contact Dr. Sommer directly at rsommer@shaw.ca Coaching and Realizing your Full Potential - By Irma GonzalezCoaching and Realizing your Full PotentialIrma Gonzalez What is coaching and why do we all need a coach to realize our potential? Before I can answer this I want to tell you about my first coach. Sometime in 4th grade I found a baseball glove and a bat that my uncle who lived in New York City had brought to my grandfather as a gift. We started playing on Sunday afternoons, it was just me, my sister and my grandfather pretty much just playing ball. A week later I brought the gear to school and talked some girls in my class into playing ball. Just a few weeks later we had fallen in love with the game! We came to school every day filled with excitement and eager to play softball at every chance we got! By the time we were in 6th grade we really had developed into a very cohesive and talented team. As such young age, we had done it all on our own. It is unbelievable how no teacher or adult saw our potential. We were good, really good, I believe we were on our way to becoming Top Talent. In one of those games I noticed that this boy in my class had developed an interest in ?coaching? us without anybody asking him to do it. He had seen our potential and he had an interest in us that practically had no attachment, or benefit to him for that matter. He would stand by first base, (my base) or third base and coach us. I also noticed that as a team we did a lot better when he would show up and be our coach. I remember the amazing feeling of looking back and seeing that he believed in us. He would just stand there and give us direction on how to do better. It felt great that someone had total interest and belief in us. He was my first coach and to this day I thank him for those special moments. He saw our potential and what we were really capable of achieving. So when I saw this quote from Bob Nardelli, CEO of Home Depot, it reminded so much of the feeling I had the day I realized someone was coaching us. Bob Nardelli said ?I absolutely believe that people unless coached, never reach their maximum capabilities?. We had developed our interest in the sport as 10 year old children. At that age were totally aware of the joy of playing a game we loved. We had an interest in softball, this was an interest we developed ourselves and was totally in line with our core value of having fun. But we never received enough coaching in order for us to reach our maximum potential. Actually, what happens when you don?t move forward was proven in our case. Since we were not moving forward, we started to go backwards. Our team eventually disintegrated and we did not played together again. All the ?work? we had done training ourselves and playing game after game never really materialized into anything tangible. It felt sometimes like those were wasted years. Who at your workplace begins the day filled with excitement and eager to begin the day? Check this out the next time you are walking into your workplace first thing in the morning. According to Gallup polls up to 71% of employees are disengaged from their work which means that they are essentially ?not there? they are checked out. These are employees who are really just walking around the office practically in their sleep, but without any energy to do their work. Coaching is about helping us realize our potential. Coaching is about developing good people into top talent. Bob Moores, says in his latest book, ?Turning Good People into Top Talent ?, ?organizations succeed because they have top talent, who are responsible and willing to become accountable for personal performance?. What stopped that winning softball team back in 1974 from going forward and become Top Talent? A coach. A coach who would show us our potential. A coach who would help us see our strengths and help us remove the blind spots that kept us stuck in one place. Don?t let this happen to you?if great sport figures have one, why not you? If you are a frustrated business leader, hire a business coach that will work with you to take away employee discontent from your workplace! Hire a business coach who will help you achieve your vision and potential. Irma Gonzalez is a Business and Career Coach, writer, seminar leader and speaker. An active listener, she uses a relaxed conversational style to help business leaders explore fresh options, gain clearer insight into their own situations and create valuable solutions that benefit everybody. Reach her at 407-384-7317, 407-497-9930 Irma@IrmaGonzalez.com and www.IrmaGonzalez.com Project index
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